Process
Thought process. This blog is a set of reflections on the challenges and rewards of my journey into ethical non-monogamy as an Indigenous woman (both reservation and urban-raised) from the northern prairies of the United States. I began writing in order to process and learn more deliberately from the experience—to make sense of it all for myself. After a lifetime of immersion in compulsory monogamy, it is a sometimes disorienting and exciting, sometimes lonely, but always for me an intellectually rewarding process. An integral part of turning the challenges into productive experiences is to reflect in the cyber-company of other non-monogamous, “polyamorous,” or poly-curious people who, like me, need more explicitly political analyses than those usually offered in more mainstream (if there is such a thing) polyamory forums. Those tend to focus on relationship and communication skills. Such forums are essential for us, but limited in scope. They rarely deal with the particular challenges of living an ethically non-monogamous life as a person of color, or as a person whose identity has been so utterly defined within a colonial framework. But such collective experiences can shape the experience of polyamory as much as do individual desires, skillsets, and liberties. This blog addresses both individual and community considerations in doing polyamory.
Communication process. When I meet a new potential partner, we have a conversation right away about our respective brands of ethical non-monogamy. Not everyone uses "polyamorous" to describe themselves. Ethical non-monogamists are all about vocalizing the intended relationship terrain up front. Of course, we evolve with the circumstances of our relating, but it is common practice to begin straight away by discussing how we want non-monogamy to work for us in concert with our commitments to any other partner(s), and to children if we have them. Nothing can be assumed. We ethical non-monogamists tend not to assume the standard “relationship escalator” that monogamous folks often assume. We explicitly discuss rules and communication expectations. We discuss how “out” we are (or are not) in our communities, and with our families. We discuss how our non-monogamous practice has changed over time. I always direct a potential new partner to this blog to in part answer those questions about my history and orientation.
Feedback process. I have been grateful for feedback from both current and former partners, and their partners. So far it has all been positive. If it were not, we would have a conversation and the intended blog post would account for that conversation. I am especially grateful for the direct feedback current and former partners give me on particular posts when occasionally I gesture to them specifically, although always anonymously. In fact, stay tuned for future co-authored posts! The writing of this blog serves as part of our ongoing conversation and learning. I am also grateful for feedback via comments and e-mail from all of my non-monogamous readers and especially from polyamorists, former polyamorists, and sex-positive people who like me hail from non-normative groups: other Indigenous people, people of color—especially women of color—and “disabled” polyamorous folks, and others. I started writing in part to find you, and we are finding each other, even if over a global electronic network. Thank you for being a part of this process. You help me to keep going.
Communication process. When I meet a new potential partner, we have a conversation right away about our respective brands of ethical non-monogamy. Not everyone uses "polyamorous" to describe themselves. Ethical non-monogamists are all about vocalizing the intended relationship terrain up front. Of course, we evolve with the circumstances of our relating, but it is common practice to begin straight away by discussing how we want non-monogamy to work for us in concert with our commitments to any other partner(s), and to children if we have them. Nothing can be assumed. We ethical non-monogamists tend not to assume the standard “relationship escalator” that monogamous folks often assume. We explicitly discuss rules and communication expectations. We discuss how “out” we are (or are not) in our communities, and with our families. We discuss how our non-monogamous practice has changed over time. I always direct a potential new partner to this blog to in part answer those questions about my history and orientation.
Feedback process. I have been grateful for feedback from both current and former partners, and their partners. So far it has all been positive. If it were not, we would have a conversation and the intended blog post would account for that conversation. I am especially grateful for the direct feedback current and former partners give me on particular posts when occasionally I gesture to them specifically, although always anonymously. In fact, stay tuned for future co-authored posts! The writing of this blog serves as part of our ongoing conversation and learning. I am also grateful for feedback via comments and e-mail from all of my non-monogamous readers and especially from polyamorists, former polyamorists, and sex-positive people who like me hail from non-normative groups: other Indigenous people, people of color—especially women of color—and “disabled” polyamorous folks, and others. I started writing in part to find you, and we are finding each other, even if over a global electronic network. Thank you for being a part of this process. You help me to keep going.
