links: critical nonmonogamy
Other critical blogs on ethical non-monogamy
Postmodern Woman: Unchained Relationships (blog of Louisa Leontiades & others), http://postmodernwoman.com/
The Radical Poly Agenda, http://radicalpoly.wordpress.com/
Sex Geek: Thoughts on Sex and Life, http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/
SoloPoly: Life, Relationships and Dating as a Free Agent, http://solopoly.net/
Elisabeth Sheff, http://elisabethsheff.com/
The Radical Poly Agenda, http://radicalpoly.wordpress.com/
Sex Geek: Thoughts on Sex and Life, http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/
SoloPoly: Life, Relationships and Dating as a Free Agent, http://solopoly.net/
Elisabeth Sheff, http://elisabethsheff.com/
Articles/Blog posts on (critical) ethical non-monogamy
"9 Strategies for Non-Oppressive Polyamory," Janani Balasubramanian, Black Girl Dangerous, October 4, 2013.
"African American Polyamorous Leaders," Elisabeth A. Sheff, The Polyamorists Next Door, Psychology Today, April 18, 2018.
"Being Single Beats Being Married, Psychologist Claims," Ian Johnston, Independent, August 5, 2016.
Note: The author never mentions polyamory or other forms of nonmonogamy. But his argument challenges the privileging of the couple as much as it focuses on the benefits of being "single." This includes not only resisting marriage, but he also emphasizes the benefits of a more widespread set of relations. His story is compatible with my view of critical and decolonial nonmonogamy.
"The Bigger Picture of Polyamory," by @JasnaTod (Jasna Todorovic), https://medium.com/@JasnaTod/, December 27, 2015.
"Breaking the Cycle & Misconceptions: On Sheryl Outerbridge, Domestic Abuse, and Polyamory," Ashley Young, Elixher, January 7, 2014.
"Can Crazy People Be Poly? On Polyamory and Madness," Clementine Morrigan, ClementineMorrigan.com, February 12, 2015.
"Children, Stigma, and Polyamorous Families," Elisabeth Scheff, The Polyamorists Next Door, Psychology Today, October 24, 2013.
"Coming out as a Modern Family," Maria Bello, The New York Times, Modern Love, November 29, 2013.
Note: Coming out as "modern" or as not colonized by the relatively "modern," heteronormative nuclear family?
"Commentary: To Be Monogamous or Not?" Rev. Irene Monroe, San Diego Gay & Lesbian News, November 7, 2013.
"Diversity and Polyamory." Elisabeth Scheff, Psychology Today, November 27, 2013.
“From Monogamish to Relationship Anarchy: A Widening Poly Spectrum,” Polyamorous Percolations by Alan, May 18, 2012.
"Growing up Poor with Three Parents: How Nonmonogamy Helped Me to Escape a Life of Poverty," Ian Baker, Medium.com, September 8, 2014.
"Happiness in Relationship Uncertainty," Living Polyamory blog, April 21, 2009.
"Is Polyamory a Choice?" Michael Carey, Slate.com Blogs. Outward: Expanding the LGBTQ Conversation, October 16, 2013.
"The Mass Exodus of Polyamorous People Towards Relationship Anarchy," The Postmodern Woman, October 5, 2015.
"My Problem with Monogamy - Comfort Instead of Happiness," Louisa Leontiades, HuffPost Lifestyle United Kingdom, October 14, 2013
“New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory May Be Good for You,” Scientific American, February 14, 2013.
“Not Fucking Around – Polyamory,” Sensanostra.com. August 28, 2013.
"On Being Nonmonogamous in Alberta while the Price of Oil is Going to Hell." Lizzie Derksen, Guts: Canadian Feminist Magazine, July 6, 2016.
Note: This kid (I'm old enough to be her mom) is smart as hell. I love this insightful piece that ties together nonmonogamy with political economy. Lizzie, if you want to go to grad school, message me.
"Poly Pocket: Soly Poly without Hierarchy--Interview with Zaynab Shahar," Carolyn Yates, Autostraddle.com. September 8, 2016.
Note: Critical Poly gets a mention!
"Polyamory and Feminism," The Radical Poly Agenda, March 23, 2013.
"Polyamory Made My Marriage Better--and It Might Make My Divorce Better, Too," Arielle Greenberg, Elle.com. March 25, 2016.
"Polyamory: When Three Isn't a Crowd," Emanuella Grinberg, CNN. October 26, 2013.
“The Problem with Polynormativity,” Sex Geek: Thoughts on Sex and Life, January 24, 2013.
"Relationship Anarchy is not Post-Polyamory," Emotional Mutation blog, November 3, 2015.
"Relationship Anarchy Takes the Judgement Out of Love," by Clare Wiley, The Establishment, August 5, 2016.
“Revolutionary Romance: A Primer for Polyamory,” The Scavenger.net. June 11, 2011.
"Relying on Friends in a World Made for Couples," Briallen Hopper, NewYorkMag.com February 26, 2016.
Note: For me ethical non monogamy involves more than lover relationships. It also involves broader sets of ethical relations. Don't discount friends as loves of your life.
"Riding the Relationship Escalator (or Not)," Aggiesez, SoloPoly.net, November 29, 2012.
“Should Feminists Be Critical of Compulsory Monogamy?” Ms. Blog, August 6, 2013.
"Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy," Andi's Log by Andie Nordgren, July 6, 2012.
"Sexually Transmitted Infections in Polyamorous Relationships," Elisabeth Sheff, The Polyamorists Next Door, Psychology Today, January 8, 2014.
"Solo Polyamory: Isn't that Just Dating?" Sandy Peace, The Good Men Project, July 27, 2014.
"Slippery Language and Couple-Centric Polyamory," Aggiesez, SoloPoly.net. October 6, 2013.
"STIs: Why Polyamorous Relationships Can Be Physically Healthier Than Monogamous Ones," Polyamory in the News, January 19, 2014.
"There is a Better Way to Parent than the Nuclear Family," Vicki Larson, Aeon, February 24, 2016.
Note: For me ethical non monogamy involves more than relationships with lovers. It also involves broader sets of ethical plural relations such as parenting children in community.
"Understanding Consensual Non-Monogamy," Ryan Scoats, Discover Society, July 3, 2018.
"What Will the Land of Liberty Make of Polyamory?" Louisa Leontiades, HuffPost Lifestyle United Kingdom, October 22, 2013.
"Why I'm No Longer 'Poly'" BoldlyGo, September 12, 2012.
“Why I’m Still in the Polyamory Closet,” Michael Carey, Slate. September 5, 2013.
"Your love: Open SF conference teaches, showcases polyamorous community," Kelly Lovemonster, San Francisco Bay Guardian. June 14, 2012. Note: Pepper Mint, OpenSF Organizer explains, “When creating a sex-positive polyamorous space there is an importance to two things; skills -- communication and transparency -- and building community connections. People who participate in community usually succeed in polyamory.”
"African American Polyamorous Leaders," Elisabeth A. Sheff, The Polyamorists Next Door, Psychology Today, April 18, 2018.
"Being Single Beats Being Married, Psychologist Claims," Ian Johnston, Independent, August 5, 2016.
Note: The author never mentions polyamory or other forms of nonmonogamy. But his argument challenges the privileging of the couple as much as it focuses on the benefits of being "single." This includes not only resisting marriage, but he also emphasizes the benefits of a more widespread set of relations. His story is compatible with my view of critical and decolonial nonmonogamy.
"The Bigger Picture of Polyamory," by @JasnaTod (Jasna Todorovic), https://medium.com/@JasnaTod/, December 27, 2015.
"Breaking the Cycle & Misconceptions: On Sheryl Outerbridge, Domestic Abuse, and Polyamory," Ashley Young, Elixher, January 7, 2014.
"Can Crazy People Be Poly? On Polyamory and Madness," Clementine Morrigan, ClementineMorrigan.com, February 12, 2015.
"Children, Stigma, and Polyamorous Families," Elisabeth Scheff, The Polyamorists Next Door, Psychology Today, October 24, 2013.
"Coming out as a Modern Family," Maria Bello, The New York Times, Modern Love, November 29, 2013.
Note: Coming out as "modern" or as not colonized by the relatively "modern," heteronormative nuclear family?
"Commentary: To Be Monogamous or Not?" Rev. Irene Monroe, San Diego Gay & Lesbian News, November 7, 2013.
"Diversity and Polyamory." Elisabeth Scheff, Psychology Today, November 27, 2013.
“From Monogamish to Relationship Anarchy: A Widening Poly Spectrum,” Polyamorous Percolations by Alan, May 18, 2012.
"Growing up Poor with Three Parents: How Nonmonogamy Helped Me to Escape a Life of Poverty," Ian Baker, Medium.com, September 8, 2014.
"Happiness in Relationship Uncertainty," Living Polyamory blog, April 21, 2009.
"Is Polyamory a Choice?" Michael Carey, Slate.com Blogs. Outward: Expanding the LGBTQ Conversation, October 16, 2013.
"The Mass Exodus of Polyamorous People Towards Relationship Anarchy," The Postmodern Woman, October 5, 2015.
"My Problem with Monogamy - Comfort Instead of Happiness," Louisa Leontiades, HuffPost Lifestyle United Kingdom, October 14, 2013
“New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory May Be Good for You,” Scientific American, February 14, 2013.
“Not Fucking Around – Polyamory,” Sensanostra.com. August 28, 2013.
"On Being Nonmonogamous in Alberta while the Price of Oil is Going to Hell." Lizzie Derksen, Guts: Canadian Feminist Magazine, July 6, 2016.
Note: This kid (I'm old enough to be her mom) is smart as hell. I love this insightful piece that ties together nonmonogamy with political economy. Lizzie, if you want to go to grad school, message me.
"Poly Pocket: Soly Poly without Hierarchy--Interview with Zaynab Shahar," Carolyn Yates, Autostraddle.com. September 8, 2016.
Note: Critical Poly gets a mention!
"Polyamory and Feminism," The Radical Poly Agenda, March 23, 2013.
"Polyamory Made My Marriage Better--and It Might Make My Divorce Better, Too," Arielle Greenberg, Elle.com. March 25, 2016.
"Polyamory: When Three Isn't a Crowd," Emanuella Grinberg, CNN. October 26, 2013.
“The Problem with Polynormativity,” Sex Geek: Thoughts on Sex and Life, January 24, 2013.
"Relationship Anarchy is not Post-Polyamory," Emotional Mutation blog, November 3, 2015.
"Relationship Anarchy Takes the Judgement Out of Love," by Clare Wiley, The Establishment, August 5, 2016.
“Revolutionary Romance: A Primer for Polyamory,” The Scavenger.net. June 11, 2011.
"Relying on Friends in a World Made for Couples," Briallen Hopper, NewYorkMag.com February 26, 2016.
Note: For me ethical non monogamy involves more than lover relationships. It also involves broader sets of ethical relations. Don't discount friends as loves of your life.
"Riding the Relationship Escalator (or Not)," Aggiesez, SoloPoly.net, November 29, 2012.
“Should Feminists Be Critical of Compulsory Monogamy?” Ms. Blog, August 6, 2013.
"Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy," Andi's Log by Andie Nordgren, July 6, 2012.
"Sexually Transmitted Infections in Polyamorous Relationships," Elisabeth Sheff, The Polyamorists Next Door, Psychology Today, January 8, 2014.
"Solo Polyamory: Isn't that Just Dating?" Sandy Peace, The Good Men Project, July 27, 2014.
"Slippery Language and Couple-Centric Polyamory," Aggiesez, SoloPoly.net. October 6, 2013.
"STIs: Why Polyamorous Relationships Can Be Physically Healthier Than Monogamous Ones," Polyamory in the News, January 19, 2014.
"There is a Better Way to Parent than the Nuclear Family," Vicki Larson, Aeon, February 24, 2016.
Note: For me ethical non monogamy involves more than relationships with lovers. It also involves broader sets of ethical plural relations such as parenting children in community.
"Understanding Consensual Non-Monogamy," Ryan Scoats, Discover Society, July 3, 2018.
"What Will the Land of Liberty Make of Polyamory?" Louisa Leontiades, HuffPost Lifestyle United Kingdom, October 22, 2013.
"Why I'm No Longer 'Poly'" BoldlyGo, September 12, 2012.
“Why I’m Still in the Polyamory Closet,” Michael Carey, Slate. September 5, 2013.
"Your love: Open SF conference teaches, showcases polyamorous community," Kelly Lovemonster, San Francisco Bay Guardian. June 14, 2012. Note: Pepper Mint, OpenSF Organizer explains, “When creating a sex-positive polyamorous space there is an importance to two things; skills -- communication and transparency -- and building community connections. People who participate in community usually succeed in polyamory.”
Other useful articles on non-monogamy
"Multiple Loves, Without Jealousy," Olga Khazan, The Atlantic Monthly. July 21, 2014.
Note: Critical Poly finds this article informative, but frustrating. It is of course well-written and is already flying around the poly blogosphere as I write this on July 23, 2014. The author documents a standard Poly World View of a typical relatively privileged, self-actualizing poly crew. No hints of race, class or cultural diversity here. The author focuses on poly folks' attention to and skills for overcoming jealousy. I suppose jealousy can be difficult. It's not my particular challenge having grown up in an emotional environment shaped by colonial apparatuses that were more likely to make emotional attachment (a requirement, it would seem, for jealousy to emerge) a challenge. As usual with the articles that hit the mainstream press, I am dismayed with the disproportionate attention to personal politics and the inattention to societal politics. Emotional strategies (and sometimes biological proclivities!) rather than social change too often get the major play in poly literature. The author provides a few brief comparisons between poly and more traditional forms of polygamy. This is a not apt comparison for reasons that do not always make 21st century poly in my mind the more ethical choice. This has to do with the fact that when poly is compared with more traditional forms of non-monogamy the comparisons are always focused on levels of individual choice and bio-psychological considerations, and less on conversations about monogamy versus non-monogamy in terms of what is good for extended family, community, society, and the Earth.
Note: Critical Poly finds this article informative, but frustrating. It is of course well-written and is already flying around the poly blogosphere as I write this on July 23, 2014. The author documents a standard Poly World View of a typical relatively privileged, self-actualizing poly crew. No hints of race, class or cultural diversity here. The author focuses on poly folks' attention to and skills for overcoming jealousy. I suppose jealousy can be difficult. It's not my particular challenge having grown up in an emotional environment shaped by colonial apparatuses that were more likely to make emotional attachment (a requirement, it would seem, for jealousy to emerge) a challenge. As usual with the articles that hit the mainstream press, I am dismayed with the disproportionate attention to personal politics and the inattention to societal politics. Emotional strategies (and sometimes biological proclivities!) rather than social change too often get the major play in poly literature. The author provides a few brief comparisons between poly and more traditional forms of polygamy. This is a not apt comparison for reasons that do not always make 21st century poly in my mind the more ethical choice. This has to do with the fact that when poly is compared with more traditional forms of non-monogamy the comparisons are always focused on levels of individual choice and bio-psychological considerations, and less on conversations about monogamy versus non-monogamy in terms of what is good for extended family, community, society, and the Earth.
videos
Polyamory Experts Speak On Non-Monogamy - "Special Arrangements" Discussion Panel. "Special Arrangements: The Changing Face of the 21st Century Relationship"discussion panel on non-monogamy and polyamory with Sunny Bates (moderator), Reid Mihalko of http://ReidAboutSex.com, Diana Adams, Esq. of http://www.DianaAdamsLaw.net, and Esther Perel of http://www.EstherPerel.com/. September 30, 2014, New York City. (1:26:45).
TED Talk: Rethinking Infidelity...A Talk for Anyone Who Has Ever Loved. Esther Perel. March 2015, Vancouver, BC, Canada (21:31).
TED Talk: Rethinking Infidelity...A Talk for Anyone Who Has Ever Loved. Esther Perel. March 2015, Vancouver, BC, Canada (21:31).
Academic sources on polyamory/non-monogamy
Meg Barker and Darren Langdridge, eds. Understanding Non-Monogamies. New York & London: Routledge, 2010.
John-Paul Boyd, Polyamorous Families in Canada: Early Results of New Research from Canadian Research Institute for Law and the Family (CRILF), August 24, 2016.
Carrie S. I. Jenkins. What Love Is and What It Could Be. Basic Books, 2017.
Special Issue on Polyamory, Sexualities 9(5), J. Haritaworn, C-j. Lin, C. Klesse, eds. Sage Journals.
Alexis Shotwell. "Ethical Polyamory, Responsibility, and Significant Otherness." In Gary Foster, ed. Desire, Love, and Identity: A Textbook for the Philosophy of Sex and Love. Oxford University Press Canada: Toronto, 2017.
Angela Willey. "Biopossiblity: A Queer Feminist Materialist Science Studies Manifesto, with Special Reference to the Question of Monogamous Behavior." Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society 41(3) 2016: 553-77.
Angela Willey. Undoing Nonmonogamy: The Politics of Science and the Possibilities of Biology. Duke University Press, 2016.
John-Paul Boyd, Polyamorous Families in Canada: Early Results of New Research from Canadian Research Institute for Law and the Family (CRILF), August 24, 2016.
Carrie S. I. Jenkins. What Love Is and What It Could Be. Basic Books, 2017.
Special Issue on Polyamory, Sexualities 9(5), J. Haritaworn, C-j. Lin, C. Klesse, eds. Sage Journals.
Alexis Shotwell. "Ethical Polyamory, Responsibility, and Significant Otherness." In Gary Foster, ed. Desire, Love, and Identity: A Textbook for the Philosophy of Sex and Love. Oxford University Press Canada: Toronto, 2017.
Angela Willey. "Biopossiblity: A Queer Feminist Materialist Science Studies Manifesto, with Special Reference to the Question of Monogamous Behavior." Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society 41(3) 2016: 553-77.
Angela Willey. Undoing Nonmonogamy: The Politics of Science and the Possibilities of Biology. Duke University Press, 2016.
Some self-help books on polyamory/non-monogamy
(that Critical Polyamorist finds useful)
Deborah Anapol. Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.: 2010.
Note: Useful on relationship advice, but with some New Age moments. Yikes!
Francoise Simpere. The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory: A Hands-on Guide to Open Sexual Relationships. New York: Skyhorse Publishing, 2011.
(highly recommended by others)
Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures. 2nd edition. Berkeley: Celestial Arts, 1997, 2009.
Critical Poly Note: On a practical level, the advice in The Ethical Slut is very helpful and I have heard this called “the bible” of polyamory. My slight unease with the book has first to do with language. I like how Sex Geek puts her take on The Ethical Slut: “Heavily slanted toward sex-party-attending Bay Area granola types.” Having spent time in the Bay Area and myself not identifying with the "granola types," Sex Geek's characterization seems apt. A second source of unease for me is the project to re-claim the word "slut." It isn't a project I buy into, although I'm willing to be convinced. "Slut" in its usage historically seems to attach inherently negative connotations to sex. But I see sex in and of itself, if consensual (and safe!), as inherently good. For women of color who have often been considered through the colonial gaze to be innately sexually deviant, it is perhaps not a word as many of us are interested in "re"claiming?
Deborah Anapol. Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.: 2010.
Note: Useful on relationship advice, but with some New Age moments. Yikes!
Francoise Simpere. The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory: A Hands-on Guide to Open Sexual Relationships. New York: Skyhorse Publishing, 2011.
(highly recommended by others)
Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures. 2nd edition. Berkeley: Celestial Arts, 1997, 2009.
Critical Poly Note: On a practical level, the advice in The Ethical Slut is very helpful and I have heard this called “the bible” of polyamory. My slight unease with the book has first to do with language. I like how Sex Geek puts her take on The Ethical Slut: “Heavily slanted toward sex-party-attending Bay Area granola types.” Having spent time in the Bay Area and myself not identifying with the "granola types," Sex Geek's characterization seems apt. A second source of unease for me is the project to re-claim the word "slut." It isn't a project I buy into, although I'm willing to be convinced. "Slut" in its usage historically seems to attach inherently negative connotations to sex. But I see sex in and of itself, if consensual (and safe!), as inherently good. For women of color who have often been considered through the colonial gaze to be innately sexually deviant, it is perhaps not a word as many of us are interested in "re"claiming?
Polyamory/non-monogamy conferences, organizations and other resources
Open SF Conference: Open, Poly, or Ethically Nonmonogamous in the Bay Area. Open 2015 is being planned. Open 2012 took place from June 8-12. More information can be found here.
3rd International Conference on the Future of Monogamy and Nonmonogamy, February 21-23, Berkeley, California.
First International Solo Poly Conference, SoloPolyCon 2017, April 28-30, 2017, Vancouver, British Columbia.
Polyamory Political Activism Conclave (political topics related to the 3rd Intl. Conf.) February 23, 2014, Berkeley, California.
The Polyamory Society
Polytical: Polyamory & Ethical Non-Monogamy in the UK
Solo Polyamory Annual International Conference.
3rd International Conference on the Future of Monogamy and Nonmonogamy, February 21-23, Berkeley, California.
First International Solo Poly Conference, SoloPolyCon 2017, April 28-30, 2017, Vancouver, British Columbia.
Polyamory Political Activism Conclave (political topics related to the 3rd Intl. Conf.) February 23, 2014, Berkeley, California.
The Polyamory Society
Polytical: Polyamory & Ethical Non-Monogamy in the UK
Solo Polyamory Annual International Conference.
